Relationship Advice for Britannia

Britannia, by Johnny Haradrim: johnnyharadrim.deviantart.com

Let’s face it, we all love to give relationship advice. It’s that moment when we can package up all our wisdom and give it to someone who really needs it, so here’s your chance:

In the UK we’ve been approached by our good friend Britannia for some advice; she’s been having a tough time recently. Back in 1973 she got into a relationship with the rather attractive E.C. or E.E.C. but no-one used his middle name. At that time E.C. had played hard to get for a while when they first met — being a bit feisty, Britannia couldn’t resist a bit of a challenge, so when E.C. insisted that Britannia ask him out, she only went and did it. Britannia said she would go out with E.C. as long as they could take things easy; she wasn’t ready to live together, but going out would be just fine. Things went fine at the beginning, but each year E.C. kept on making rules and sending them in big envelopes saying that Britannia had to follow them or she would have to pay E.C. a lot of money. He also demanded money from her for all the things he did for her. She thought this was a bit strange, but being in bed with E.C. always felt so good.

Fast forward to the early 90s and E.C. insisted they should run a shared bank account. Reluctantly, Britannia agreed; after all they had been going out a while. That experiment ended up in disaster when Britannia realised that she just couldn’t be as prudent as E.C. — who in the meantime had inexplicably changed his name to E.U. without saying why he did this. Britannia felt cheated and humiliated, not only had E.C. changed his name, but he’d revealed his true intentions; by using the name Union as hist last name he implied they were married. He’d ruined her bank account and made it really difficult for Britannia to have a job of her own whilst all her friends in Europe somehow managed to keep their jobs, Britannia was left in ruin. She was feeling really dejected… left on her own to manage things, but still, she carried on convincing herself that things would get better and that she would manage things properly with E.U. after all she couldn’t see any other options.

Finally in the late 90s Britannia sorted herself out. She still followed all the forever growing lists of rules from EU but better than that she really paid her way, she thought that this was the adult and responsible thing to do. She could travel all over Europe with EU and even work abroad, it was so nice to spend time in Italy and then just take the train up to Germany, then France, then through the tunnel to London — being with EU felt like a really developed relationship. Some time after 2000 EU started remembering that he had a lot of cousins, long lost ones. They needed help, so of course he insisted that Britannia should be the one to help out. Britannia was a kind hearted soul, but also smart… she said they could come and stay at their place as long as they pulled their weight, she would pay them minimum wage and they would get to live and work in the UK. At no point did EU mention quite how many long lost cousins he had, at the beginning it was a lot, but the flow of relatives kept growing, their house was filled to bursting, there wasn’t enough electricity and water let alone space to pass in the corridors. Britannia realised that in her kindness she had been really naive… she hadn’t built any extensions for the long lost cousins and it wasn’t really very fair how she had managed them when they came over.

EU was unmoved, he said that she should have known what she was doing and thought about things beforehand, his friends Germano and Anne-France had said that only a few cousins could come over and even then only the ones that would be able to do really useful things around the house, and that way they could be paid properly and everyone would have their own bedroom.

Britannia had been very wise to avoid giving up all her bank accounts and finances when EU insisted on this in 1999, after 2012 Britannia watched on in horror as EU humiliated Grecia, forcing her to strip naked and beg for forgiveness, as a punishment she would have to pay 50% of all the money she ever earned in future to repay the casino loans EU gave her to spend on clothes and shoes in the 90’s & 2000s. Grecia thought that EU wanted her to be all sexy for the Olympic Games so she really spent all the money on perfecting her look. However once the memories of those two weeks passed EU started to get all insistent that Grecia should pay Germano and Anne-France back because it wasn’t his money that he had forced upon her, and anyway, those two were really angry.

Britannia couldn’t believe how EU had changed; he was marching round saying that Britannia was his wife when in fact they had only ever agreed to go out and take it easy. Poor Britannia didn’t even have a nice ring or a wedding day, she felt cheated and used and more than that completely taken for granted. She paid huge tons of money to EU who in return thrust all his cousins on her, she provided all the fighting abilities in the relationship, not to mention hosting the most important piggybank. She travelled widely and spent lots of money with EU’s friends, but all she ever got in return was more rules.

One day Britannia decided she should meet up with all her girlfriends, EU had insisted that since they were together she could only ever meet with them if he was there in the room, he demanded details of all the conversations they had. Britannia was thoroughly fed up and no longer cared what E.U. thought, she remembered her old friend Rossiya and invited her to join in with their meet-up, when Britannia spoke with Rossiya she realised that it was not just E.U. that had been causing the problems, the young upstart America who had gone running off to the new world was terribly insecure and manipulative, she had driven a wedge between all or the European friends and Rossiya, leaving Rossiya feeling sad and misunderstood. Everyone knew that Rossiya really was a part of Europe but they were all too afraid of the temper tantrums of America and her preparedness to be violent to get her way.

During their discussions Rossiya recounted her experience with a past lover called S.U. or his full name U.S.S.R. she explained how S.U. came into her life and promised great things, a higher standard of living, education, science, fairness and wealth. However when Rossiya started to understand that she was completely dominated and her way of being destroyed, she spoke to some of the other lovers of S.U. She discovered that they had all been coerced into having a relationship with S.U. under the threat of extreme violence. S.U. took over all their bank accounts, controlled food production and everything in the house. No criticism of S.U. was allowed at all. Britannia sat and listened as did all the other Europeans, they realised that in fact E.U. was nothing more than a slightly more modern S.U. and that they had all been part of E.U.’s harem. E.U. had become too ambitious and when he discovered the fresh young flesh of those who had just left S.U. he did everything to get them into bed. There was simply no way that E.U. could satisfy 27 other partners — all he could do was take money from them and keep on making rules, the sex in all the relationships had died out and an uncomfortable cohabitation was all that was left.

Yet there was more that the Europeans discovered, after understanding what had been done to Rossiya they understood what E.U. really wanted. E.U. wanted America. She had left him long ago and made a real go of an independent life. She had become rich, powerful and attractive but still jealous and immature. America could go with whoever she liked and had relationships that suited her whenever she liked. She played mercilessly with E.U. delighted to see him grow tired with his difficult harem. She knew that as long as the Europeans and Rossiya were kept apart she would be the strongest and that no-one could have as much money as her or as much power.

America was prepared to do anything to keep Rossiya and the Europeans apart, in beautiful Ukraina she found the perfect situation, she could stir up Ukraina to get close to E.U. to make Rossiya jealous. Ukraina and Rossiya had always been twins and shared many of the same ideas and ways of living. America knew that Rossiya would be very angry if Ukraina looked like getting into bed with E.U. because she remembered what had happened to them both in their time with S.U. America made it look as if Rossiya had done a terrible wrong to Ukraina and insisted that all of the Europeans in the E.U. harem cut all ties with Rossiya, even if that meant them suffering and having no jobs as a result. Britannia had foolishly pushed hard for E.U. to cut contact with Rossiya because she loved to go out in the world fighting with America and remembering the days when she was the richest and most powerful.

So here we are, Britannia is the one that must be brave. If she finally leaves E.U. and explains that she needs some time on her own then perhaps all the others in the harem might leave too and they can go back to having normal friendships together without E.U. stealing all their money and telling them what to do and how to do it. Britannia can change the course of history and rid the world of the fascist behaviours of E.U. in applying the old communist ideas of S.U. which have been seen to be a failure. If Britannia is brave she can leave on her own terms and then develop relationships with all her European friends and Rossiya, not to mention a great many International friends.

Here we have it, Britannia is asking, she has to make a decision by June 23rd, which is less than one week away. Should she leave E.U.? They had some great times together and he showed her how to be calm and have higher standards in every area of her life. However, she’s really unhappy in the relationship and thinks that some time on her own might be a good idea. it might be harder to be on her own than in the comfort and security of a relationship, but it’s necessary to have some pain in order to grow and she thinks that she’d rather have a bit of pain than put up with E.U. bossing her around and pretending that she said he can make all the rules, she might have been drunk a few times, but she never agreed to that.

What should Britannia do? She’s a good friend of yours… would you advise her to stick it out in misery with E.U. and try to make things better despite years of trying and never seeing any results or maybe she should make a bold statement and just walk out; leave all her stuff and make sure that E.U. understands that it’s over. There’s always a chance of renegotiating a friendship later on, but after all the broken promises and disappointments it’s understandable that Britannia believes she can no longer spend the rest of her life with E.U. The potential for a beautiful relationship was there, but E.U. got too greedy and had his head turned by all those hot Eastern Europeans. He couldn’t possibly maintain his relationships with his first wives at the same level. Divorce is always painful, and not a decision to be taken lightly, but if we ask anyone that has done it most likely they will tell you that it was for the better in the end.

What will you advise Britannia on June the 23rd?

English. Lives in Tbilisi. Contributor to Renegade Inc. Loves channeling ideas and serving good coffee.

English. Lives in Tbilisi. Contributor to Renegade Inc. Loves channeling ideas and serving good coffee.